Psyche
by Zarla
Summary: You make me so happy I want to kill myself. NnyEdgar


Author's Note ~ This is set somewhere in Vargas, but I don't know where. That same place Firefly took place. Ya can either read da title as "HA HA! I PSYCHED YOU OUT!" or da actual definition of psyche. Whee.   
I swear to frigging god I'm seeing things. I'm not imagining this. ARGH. I hate that. I should get some sleep.  
This was very difficult to write. I'm not used to writing from Nny's perspective and it turned out to be really different and hard cause he's crazy. But I gave it my best shot.  
I'd advise you to read this very, very carefully. Everything Nny thinks or says often has double-meanings, and you may have to make logical guesses to find out why he's acting the way he does.  
Oh, and a big thank you goes out to Xel-chan and Lady_Artist fer beta-ing this and uncensoring me. Long story. I won't go inta it here. 

  


Psyche  
(By "Yay fer titles that go both ways! And fics that come outta nowhere!" Zarla)  
(Warning: I am not responsible for any mental damage caused by reading this fic.)

  
  
Dear  
Edgar  
I thought I would write you a note  
to explain why I did this.  
If I know you, and I like to think   
that I do, you'll understand.  
So never mind.  
  
NNY  
  
Johnny put the pencil down slowly, staring at the uneven letters marked out across plain white paper. Edgar, of course, had his paper organized neatly inside one of his desks, along with writing utensils.  
  
_Everything's so neat here. Everything is clean.  
_  
This place didn't like him here. He didn't belong here. The house glared at him, everything within it angry at his presence. He could almost hear it hissing at him like a broken radiator. "Why are you here?"   
  
Of course he never had a good answer. He was talking to a house, after all. They never changed.   
  
Everything was so clean. He felt bad about the mess he was going to leave but in the end it was better this way. Besides, Edgar's bathroom was frightening. He didn't know exactly why but he didn't like it in there. The mirror was all wrong.  
  
Johnny had the knife that he normally kept in his boot beside the paper, exactly parallel to the edge of the sheet. Now he was being neat too. The knife was quiet and it made sense. Soon everything would make sense.  
  
He carefully picked up the knife and smiled to himself.  
  
"It's going to be wonderful." His own voice seemed thin and far away as he lowered himself to his knees. This house took him outside himself sometimes. That was why he wanted to stay here. "Everything will be clean again. I'll leave my mark then I won't leave any more. It'll all be clean and gone. Everything will be renewed. Just a...phase."  
  
_Don't do this Nny don't do this this is not a good idea you don't have to do this he never said he was unhappy he never said he wanted you out he never asked for this don't do this  
  
Do it do it you know you want to even with his help everything still hurts old wounds still hurt and he hurts too so why not stop it all and make everything quiet make everything stop completely do it its the only solution that you have  
_  
They had to talk fast and loud now to get through all that white. All he heard was a faint buzzing.  
  
Johnny ran the blade through his fingers, still smiling. Perfection. He knew it. He knew that. Things could not get any better and he was not going to let it go.  
  
Tired of hurting. Tired of uncertainty. Moments of peace were nice but infrequent. Now he had found something real, something that made the pain stop. Something still here. Something that did not leave. Something he could wrap around himself and would keep him so warm.  
  
"I'm broken." His voice affirmed his words, crackling uncomfortably through his smile. "I'm a broken machine that destroys everything it touches. I'm protecting him and I'm protecting others. I'm doing something noble. Something good. Something...redeeming. I'm doing something."  
  
The steel touched his cheek, traced along his jaw, moved down his throat to his collarbone.  
  
He wasn't frightened. Merely thinking. He was thinking and trying to sort out the voices that were struggling to be heard from so far away. That was why he lingered, why his hand paused. The voices...he had to sort them out, find one to listen to.  
  
_Don't do it  
Do it  
Don't do it  
Do it  
Don't ruin this don't you ruin this for me  
Do it you're so close don't give up now  
_  
"Here is my gift to you." Johnny raised the knife up to the light fixture. "I'm going to leave and I...I'm not going to hurt you. I'll never hurt you again. I'm..." He had never thought of this. "I'm not going to kill you."  
  
Click.  
  
"_Fuck_."  
  
"Nny?"  
  
Johnny didn't turn around. He knew that Edgar was standing in the doorway, no doubt with the same amusing look of surprise on his face that Johnny could always create.  
  
_He's going to ruin it. He's not going to understand. You messed up again you always DO THAT  
_  
"I'm busy."  
  
"Nny, what are you- what is that? Give me that." Quick steps and Edgar was behind him. A hand reached out over his shoulder and grabbed his wrist, blocking the knife's progress.  
  
So he really _didn't_ understand. Odd. Edgar usually was good at that kind of thing.  
  
"What are you doing?" Johnny asked, understandably confused and somewhat hurt. "Let go. I'm busy. You can read my note in a second."  
  
"What are you talking about- give me that, Nny, _give me that_!" His wrist was twisted painfully and the knife wrenched from his grasp.  
  
That hurt.  
  
_What are you doing? I'm trying to do something for you, don't yell at me. Don't you yell at me. I try so hard and you twisted my wrist-  
_  
"Nny? Nny, what were you doing?"  
  
_Oh...I didn't say that out-loud.  
_  
"I said I was busy." Johnny was irritated now, although even he knew it was a mask for how hurt he felt. How _dare_ Edgar not understand. "Stop it." _Understand me again.  
_  
"Stop what? Nny, what were you planning to do?"  
  
"Don't ask me stupid questions. Give me that back."  
  
"No."  
  
He didn't usually fight back this way. Johnny was not used to being resisted. When he looked behind him, he was surprised to see determination in normally passive eyes.   
Johnny didn't want to give him the satisfaction of completely turning around.  
  
_He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand this is for him. How could he not understand?  
_  
"I'm trying to _help_ you." Johnny spoke slowly, hoping this time that his meaning would be clear. "I wanted to give you something."  
  
"Nny, I don't want you dead." The incredulous tone in Edgar's voice was incomprehensible to Johnny. He tried halfheartedly to remove his wrist from Edgar's grasp, but this only caused him to tighten his grip. He felt Edgar's other arm move from behind him, wrapping around his chest to pin his other arm.  
  
"Why not?" _Ha, answer that one.  
_  
"_Why not-..._okay, Nny, listen to me." Johnny felt himself smile as he recognized Edgar's familiar pattern of speech. He had to take a deep breath and try to sort out his thoughts all logically. Sometimes he could be so predictable. Why had he been surprised at his reaction at all?  
  
"I don't want you dead. I _like_ spending time with you. I thought I made that pretty clear."  
  
"I know." Johnny let his muscles go, slumping back against Edgar with a sigh. This was going to take a while, so he may as well get comfortable. His shoulder blades dug into Edgar's chest. "I know."  
  
"Then why would you do this?"  
  
"I wanted to..."_ do something for someone else for a change._ "You know that you..." _mean a lot to me and that's why I'm trying to do this. _"I don't want..."_ to ruin the life of one of the few good human beings out there.  
_  
"Nny, please don't do this."  
  
_He always interrupts me.  
_  
"I'm doing this for you." Johnny leaned his head back against Edgar's shoulder, staring upwards at the ceiling as he tried to make his reasoning clear. "See, this way I won't have to kill you. This way I won't hurt you anymore. I'm giving you perfection."  
  
_Can't get any clearer then that._  
  
"I don't..." He felt Edgar sigh, his breath brushing across his neck. "I told you before, you're stopping something before it begins. Even if I know how it'll end, I want to get there first."  
  
_You don't understand at all! Why do you make this so complicated?_ "You don't like being hurt. No one does. I won't hurt you again this way. We're both happy."  
  
"No, you'll be _dead_ and I..." Edgar paused, turning to try and catch Johnny's eye. Johnny angled his head towards him, letting their eyes meet.  
  
_You always do this you always get so close and back away what's wrong with you why do you always turn back at the very brink  
This is it nny this is what you want you want to be alive you want to stay here listen to him nny listen  
_  
Edgar broke the eye contact and looked downwards, shaking his head as he did so. "I won't be happy."  
  
"Why not?" _A valid question. Why wouldn't he be?_ "Most people would be thrilled."  
  
"I'm not most people and neither are you." Determination. It was so unlike him. "We're not normal."  
  
_Still missing the point._ "I can make it normal for you again-"  
  
"No." Edgar squeezed his wrist, probably in an effort to emphasize his point. Johnny curled his fingers towards him, wondering how long it would take Edgar to back away as he normally did.  
  
_Remember who I am? You have to. Back away and get that frightened rabbit look again. This isn't like you. You're touching me.  
_  
"I...like it this way."  
  
"You're touching me." _There, I said that out loud.  
_  
Edgar paused for a moment and that fear crossed his face, but vanished. He met Johnny's eyes evenly, unwavering. "Yeah."  
  
_You...stop that. Stop that, you think you've got me all under control and all nice well you don't. You don't.  
_  
Johnny tugged at his restrained hand, expecting Edgar to let go and fall back as usual, but instead the grip tightened, both around his wrist and around his chest.  
  
_So you're serious.  
_  
"Aren't you scared of me?" _Let me go.  
_  
"That's not what I'm scared of right now."  
  
_He's...not scared of...  
_  
"Edgar..." _You ruined everything. It wasn't supposed to be this way. You aren't supposed to make me feel bad about this. You're supposed to be happy.  
_  
"So what if I die. I had nothing to live for anyway. Don't cut this short for me. It's the only thing that gives my life any meaning."  
  
_He's still here, he's still here and he won't go away, he won't go away...still here and still...  
  
Still here and still stopping me.  
  
He's still stopping me.  
_  
"I wanted to give you something..." Johnny sighed sadly. "You don't understand."  
  
"If you want to give me something, just...stop."  
  
_I'll give you me, if you want. I don't want it. You can fix me. Take me and fix me. I'm broken. I'm so broken about everything. The gears are grinding against each other and they make so much noise.  
_  
He felt the pressure on his wrist release and his hand drifted downwards automatically, resting against the carpet. Edgar's other arm wrapped around him and when Johnny looked at him, his eyes were closed.  
  
Was he restraining or hugging him?  
  
Either way.  
  
_How could he do this. How could he even think of doing this. My plan was ruined and in the end I'm still going to kill him. I'm still going to kill him because I never want this to end. I don't want you to hate me. I don't want that. I want you to...  
_  
Johnny pressed his forehead into Edgar's neck, breathing deeply.  
  
_I want time to stop. I want to stop. I want everything to stop.  
_  
"Stop..."  
  
_Did I say that out loud?  
_  
His soft, sensible voice. He could feel it through his throat. "Yes..."  
  
_That's right...  
_  
_I'll never understand him. I'll never understand. I give him the ultimate gift and he refuses. What does he want from me.  
_  
"What do you want from me..."  
  
He felt Edgar pull in breath and release it slowly. "I...don't know. I guess...just...this. When I can...if I did, I mean...fix you."  
  
_Am I fixed? I'm still broken, I'm shattered and leaking oil all over. More buzzing.  
  
But does he think I'm fixed? Does he want...  
_  
_He wants me to...want...do I want? But...maybe...  
_  
"I'm not sorry."  
  
Another sigh. It lifted his thin body, pressing him against his arms. "That's okay."  
  
_I am sorry. I did this to make you not hurt and I'm hurting you. I do this. This is what I do.  
_  
"I hurt you."  
  
"...Yeah. To some extent."  
  
"Why?" _Why do you let me do that?  
_  
"It's..." He felt Edgar shake his head, his heartbeat against his forehead. "It's...complicated."  
  
"Someday..." _I am going to kill myself.  
  
Probably right after I kill you.  
  
That sounds about right.  
_  
"No...I'm sick of someday. Just...sick of it." _You die someday.  
_  
"Then...right now."  
  
_Right now I don't hurt. I don't think I'm hurting him.  
  
As close to happy as I'll ever get.  
_  
Johnny closed his eyes, concentrating on the rhythm he could feel against his skin. Through his thin arms, his chest, his neck. The buzzing in his mind never ceased, but the beat helped him. Something else to focus on.  
  
"I wish..." _I could make this forever. I think I'm happy.  
_  
Johnny lifted his hand and touched Edgar's arm, noting the slight jump at the contact. He felt a slight shudder through his back, the aftershocks of Edgar struggling not to react.  
  
Not to fear.  
  
_See, you ruined it.  
_  
"I wish..." Edgar echoed his wistful tone.  
  
"I hate myself so much..." _Everything I do, everything I touch or say is wrong. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be happy. I shouldn't do this. D-boy is right. I'm weak.  
_  
"I don't hate you." Edgar's voice was firm and authoritative as he tightened his grip around him.  
  
_what's wrong with you how could you let this happen was everything you said a lie everything about how meaningless humanity is about leaving about finding something better about how empty everything is about how stupid emotions are it was all a lie what's wrong how could you do this you shouldn't be doing this get off him get away from him kill him then kill yourself--  
--listen to him listen to him you can live for a while this way you can survive he can make things easier he can help you and you can stay alive and that way everything will get better things'll change it won't be terrible anymore you'll be alive and he'll be alive and you can be happy you're so close to being happy and i'm so close so close don't ruin this don't let it go go for it capture it remember it take advantage of it let it happen  
  
He should hate me. I was going to kill him. But he doesn't. You know what?  
  
I think he loves me.  
_  
He opened his eyes and Edgar was staring at him in concern. "Are you alright?"  
  
Edgar's arms had moved, one of his hands against Johnny's scalp while his other arm pressed against his back. When did that happen?  
  
_What kind of question is that? I'm not alright. You ignorant little being you love me you can't do that what's wrong with you WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU  
_  
"No." Johnny felt the air in his throat catch, his short exclamation probably coming out a bit shriller then he had intended.  
  
_It hurts. All this. It hurts.  
_  
"What's wrong? You...you kind of blanked out for a few minutes."  
  
"That explains it."  
  
Edgar stared at him with both confusion and worry. In movies sometimes you could see your reflection in someone's glasses. He never saw himself in those lenses. Maybe he was looking at them wrong. All he ever saw was Edgar and those usually frightened, panicked eyes with two dark lines beneath them.  
  
Those two scars underneath his eyes...he did that.  
  
_Even if I do leave, if I died right here on his floor, I'd always be right there.  
_  
He saw his finger touch the scars before he was aware he had moved. That was okay, he planned on doing that anyway.  
  
_Right there. Never can erase that.  
  
I'm permanent.  
  
I'm forever.  
_  
Edgar took his hand away from supporting Johnny's head, seeing as he was now conscious enough to do that on his own. He gently took hold of Johnny's hand and moved it away from his face.  
  
_I'm not going to pull them open or anything, I just wanted to touch them.  
  
Hold my hand properly. No...I don't have to ask. I'm going to hold your hand now.  
_  
Ah, there was that surprised look he had been expecting. That made him feel better.  
  
_He loves me. He's frightened of me and he's still here and he loves me. This is so...  
  
empty pointless distracting IMPOSSIBLE disillusioning misleading foolish  
useful interesting redeeming advantageous unique valuable rare real  
human.  
  
This is real humanity.  
_  
"Human."  
  
Edgar had been staring off into the distance blankly while Johnny had been silent. The one word regained Edgar's attention. He blinked at him. "Sorry, what?"  
  
_He was probably talking to that thing in his head again.  
_  
"Last two people in the whole world..." _who deserve this and can think and be rational thoughtful creatures.  
_  
He smiled at him in a way he had never seen before. Johnny didn't know how to classify it. "Even if we weren't."  
  
_Huh. What was he thinking of? Doesn't matter anyway.  
  
stop it this is wrong  
  
No it isn't, this isn't wrong, it's the one unwrong thing I've ever done.  
_  
"Love..."  
  
The frightened rabbit look unexpectedly returned. Edgar struggled to find a satisfactory explanation or response while trying badly to hide his surprise at Johnny's one word.  
  
"Wha- no, I mean, I don't, I'm not sure I mean, if that's what..." He paused again, closed his eyes, and sighed. "I...well, I'm...sure. Okay, that's fine with me."  
  
_Me too. I didn't think of it like this before. That makes sense though.  
  
Where's my knife?  
  
don't want to  
Of course I want to this is what I've always wanted. Of course this is it. It's always been this way and when I freeze it it'll be wonderful. That's how it works. It'll be beautiful. I have to freeze it now, this is as beautiful as it could get. I'll never lose it i never want to lose it ever.  
_  
"Nny..." Edgar let go of his hand for a moment, reaching for his face. "You're crying."  
  
_I am, aren't I?  
_  
"Probably." _because that stupid little voice confused me. Of course I want to do this, freeze this. Of course I do. Where did that voice come from it's not mine.  
_  
Edgar's fingers gingerly touched along his cheek and he felt the liquid from his unnoticed tears spread, his skin cooling as it followed his fingers' progress. Edgar was silent for a while, staring at Johnny with unfamiliar concern and some measure of confusion. His words, when they finally came, were awkward and soft. "Um...why?"  
  
"I..." _want to_ "kill..." _you  
_  
Edgar withdrew his hand slowly, his concerned expression fading away along with his touch. He sighed with a resignation that Johnny wished he didn't have.  
  
_I want to die. And take you with me.  
_  
Edgar's voice was sad and quiet. His voice had a slight pleading tone, sickening in how misplaced it seemed. "Later...?"  
  
_But I can't do it later, later might be never and later might be dark and evil and gone and nothing nothing nothing might be there, I have to do it now.  
  
But I'll do it later.  
_  
"Okay."  
  
_I don't think he'll ever understand.  
_  
When Edgar rested his hand on his shoulder, he could feel him shaking. Johnny returned the gesture quietly. Slight shivers followed an unrecognizable rhythm underneath his palm.  
  
"Is it...no." Edgar closed his eyes in self-reproach, although Johnny was fairly sure that was because he was mentally yelling at himself again. It was easy to see those glaring inconsistencies in his behavior that could only be caused by those lovable little voices. "Never mind."  
  
_I wonder if it's got a name. Probably not. I bet he doesn't even know it's there. He's still holding me up. I wonder what happened. He looks like he's about to do something.  
_  
The shivering increased in frequency and intensity as Edgar leaned forward slightly towards him.  
  
_Oh, he wants to kiss me.  
_  
_I'm_ "Okay." _with that. I wish he wasn't so afraid of me. But I haven't really given him any reason not to be. But-  
_  
Edgar had been startled back by the sudden word, and whatever nerve he had that enabled him to try and take initiative had vanished. He stared at him helplessly, now looking more awkward then ever. Johnny was sure that he was berating himself for being such a coward. A particularly powerful shudder shook through Johnny's hands, as if confirming his thoughts.  
  
_Fine. I'll do it then.  
_  
Johnny could almost feel the surprise that jolted through Edgar's body. It took a moment before the poor man realized exactly what was happening, awkwardly trying to return the kiss as if he was prepared for it at all.  
  
_He didn't think I'd do that. Ha. You don't control me at all.  
  
I control you. You're mine.  
  
We're forever now. When you let me go, I'll make sure you never leave me. I'll make sure you can never hurt me, and I will never hurt you. No. When you let go, we'll never hurt each other again._ _When you let go...  
  
When you fall asleep tonight...  
  
I'll be waiting for you.  
  
You were right, it was selfish to try and kill myself, to give you such a thoughtless gift.  
  
No.  
  
Tonight, everything is going to stop.  
  
When you let me go, we're going over the stars. Both of us. We won't be alone that way, we'll be forever. Forever can't be alone.  
  
When you let go of me...  
  
When you let go...  
_  
Edgar tightened his grip around him, the hand that had previously rested on his shoulder now holding the back of his head desperately. His fingertips shook against his scalp and he could still feel the shivers through his mouth.  
  
So terrified. The hand around his back was holding him so tightly that it began to hurt. Frantically holding on, as if...  
  
_He knows.  
  
He knows.  
  
you fool I told you to stop so weak stop doing this and kill yourself don't give in to this don't listen to him he doesn't know what he's talking about stay alive look its okay it's really okay see nothing's going to happen calm down what do I do calm down calm down so what if he knows  
So what if he knows  
  
He's still here.  
  
He's still here.  
_  
He curled his fingers into the fabric of Edgar's shirt resolutely.  
  
_When you let go...when you back away when you fall asleep and let go of me, that's the end. That'll be the end of it all. Nothing. When you let DON'T LET GO  
_  
Johnny clung with the same desperate strength but for an entirely different reason. He knew that Edgar had not pulled away because he thought he was going to die.  
  
He was hanging on because...  
  
_If I offered Edgar cyanide, I bet he would take it without complaint.  
  
Why did it have to be him?  
  
There was no other possibility.  
  
_Soon they would be alone.  
  
Alone and forever.  
  
Was Nny shaking or was it Edgar? He knew he was crying, he could feel it now.  
  
He had never been afraid of death before.  
  
Then again, he had never done it right before.  
  
_I want don't want want don't...  
  
Let me go...when...  
  
He knows...he's still here...he's still here...  
_  
When they broke apart, Johnny immediately lowered his head, pressing his forehead into the area between Edgar's collarbones. He felt Edgar move back slightly from the force he was exerting, but he eventually supported himself against him.  
  
Johnny made no noise, but he knew that this time, he was the one who was shaking.  
  
_I don't want to be alone right now, I don't want to be alone, I really don't want to be alone anymore ever  
_  
Edgar's hands slid down his back and held him quietly.  
  
"I want to die." _for so many reasons that even I can't sort them out.  
_  
"Nny-"  
  
"You...make me want to die..." _because  
_  
"I'm..."  
  
He was probably going to apologize. That was okay...if Johnny himself didn't understand, he was sure that the significance of this would be lost on Edgar.  
  
Could still feel the fingers through the fabric. Feel him breathing, shaky and uneven.  
"I..."  
  
"So..." _unbelievable, unreal, I can't believe this is happening to me, I can't understand, this never happened it shouldn't happen it'll never happen again._ "So..."  
  
"So...?" Edgar resorted to a familiar tactic. He was echoing him, hoping to prompt him further. Johnny had read about that somewhere a long time ago.  
  
He wanted to die. He wanted them both to die. Right now.  
  
"So..." _happy. Perfect. This is it. That moment. Nothing can get better from here. He's here and he's here.  
_  
"I'm s-"  
  
"So happy."  
  
He felt Edgar's tense muscles loosen and a slight sigh of relief. The fingers on his back spreading, trusting him. "Oh...I...I understand."  
  
_I think this time he does.  
  
Here Edgar. Take this pill. It'll make you die.  
  
And I feel it lifted out of my hand. There it goes. It would be so quiet. No screaming. Nothing. It would be the perfect end to a perfect beginning.  
  
And right after I'd watch him go, I'd fold his glasses and put them to one side, that second pill would disappear and so would I. Gone.  
_  
"Take you with me..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm..." _so in_ "I'm going to."  
  
"Take me...where?"  
  
He was warm because he ate enough.  
  
"Over."  
  
"Over the..." Edgar paused for a moment. He felt his breathing stop and worried that the pills were already taking effect.  
  
No, he had only thought about the pills. They didn't actually exist. That would be too easy.  
  
"Stars..." Edgar's voice was hesitant, venturing. "With you...?"  
  
_He does understand.  
_  
"I knew it." Johnny realized that he was still holding onto his shirt. He let the fabric go, his fingers cramped and protesting, curling back into position. Interesting.  
  
There was a pause while Edgar tried to think of something to say, but finally he only nodded.  
  
_He always understands when it's important. He knows what to do. That's why he gave me his coat.  
  
When I wear that coat, I'm in him. I can be him.  
  
He fixed me.  
_  
"That's okay..." He could feel the vibration against his forehead. A perfect hum. No grinding. No oil. A smooth humming with each syllable. No scratches in his words. "It's okay...I'm...we'll be okay."  
  
_It's amazing how you can be so wrong and so right all at once.  
  
Just let me go.  
  
I'll show you.  
_  
They were trapped inside each other. Neither of them moved.  
  


The End  
(Author's note: God, that was almost painful ta get out. It's like this didn't WANT ta end and it took ferever ta get out. Blargh.  
Ironically, this turned out nothing like I intended it to either. I had an entirely different fic in mind. Then this came outta somewhere. It's so messed up. Ya know ya got problems when dying and killing become synonymous with love.  
Ah well. A weird little fic. That it is. I wonder if it'll ever happen in Vargas. It wouldn't surprise me.)


End file.
